Recent Comments

haha
5/25/22, 3:20 PM
i hope u back bc your writting is great😍
5/25/22, 3:18 PM
Oh my gosh, this is so cute—and it makes me happy just reading it. I can’t wait for more! I also think it’s neat that right now his powers aren’t strong enough to summon emotions in Colton, and so we kind of know the love is real. :]
5/25/22, 3:10 PM
This is really cute and I’m glad it’s on Cupid! It’ll be interesting seeing how their romance unfolds and, if you go this way, questioning whether or not the love is real if Spinel can control people’s emotions. Once upon a time I had a story about that idea, but I never brought it to fruition. I’m looking forward to seeing whatever you do!
5/25/22, 2:14 PM
A great start with the Master established and the next victims starting their journey. Hope to see more soon!
5/25/22, 1:39 PM
Keratos story was truly a great addition to the lore and world building, and the shift in perspective was perfectly done. You continue to build this narrative, characters and world and I become more enamored with it the more I read. You know I'm a big fan and will continue along for the ride on your fantastic story. Amazing job, as always.
5/25/22, 1:10 PM
The longest chapter of the novel -- but that's because I couldn't bear to break off the Magic Realm section as a separate chapter. Still, I think it reads pretty fast. In fact, it had not been my intent from the beginning to make Pokey a flying centaur. But every time I looked at pictures of unicorns, Google images pulled up Pegasi, or some weird combo of the two -- I've since learned the name "Alicorn" -- so I figured, why not? Pokey is the team's magician, and we learn quickly that in this realm, Magic is based on force of will. Pokey's wings have become a defining characteristic and added an important element to the team -- aerial support! (Plus he got to give the magical middle finger to Gambit, sweetening the moment.) It was a spontaneous decision that totally paid off. Still, this is by far my favorite chapter in the novel. It was the first time I got to discover the team's group dynamic. Their group scenes are so easy to write -- they play off each other so nicely -- they literally write themselves.
Anonymous
5/25/22, 12:53 PM
Good start. I'd love to read more of this story!
5/25/22, 12:48 PM
Oh fuck, you found a way to make this even hotter and give Gabriel everything he wanted, but also to make it a curse. Amazing. This has turned into one of the very best stories I’ve ever read on this site. Thanks again.
5/25/22, 10:34 AM
Pretty impressive, and definitely a hot concept. As others have said, it does feel written in a hurry. The fact that it was done on commission is irrelevant, from a pure _technical writing_ perspective it's just... it has a bit of a first-draft feel. A couple of specific suggestions: 1. There's actually only one instance (that I caught) of character-name confusion, which is better than average TBH, but in this sentence: "Nate got more jeers and laughs from the lads, but Nate stepped in." the second "Nate" should be "Sean". 2. Using two completely different meanings for "tank" simultaneously is distracting. I would change all instances of "tank" as a storage container for — well, I guess cum — to "vat". (Which you actually do also use at one point, but then slip back into "tank".) Because, for example, this: > Sean continued “You were always gonna come here man! I knew you would THE SECOND they said they needed a tank to take all this-“ he slapped his hand onto the huge tank, collected partly from the huge freak that was being drained beside him. would be way easier to follow like this: > Sean continued “You were always gonna come here man! I knew you would THE SECOND they said they needed a tank to take all this-“ he slapped his hand onto the huge vat, collected partly from the huge freak that was being drained beside him.
5/25/22, 8:50 AM
It just keeps getting better!