OK you said you wanted detailed comments so you could make the next part even better, so here they are. I really enjoyed the story but here are my issues and concerns and hopefully this isn't too harsh. It was a fun story but I had to read it twice to make sure I got all the details clear. The first time through I felt like Corey more or less just took an axe to the head and had his personality wiped by Jason's musk but the 2nd time through picked up that he did enjoy giving in to Jason. However, that I had to dig to find that out means I don't think you delivered that with enough impact and clarity. Like you kind of at the last minute noted that Corey had actually been turned on the first time Jason went after him and made him start to feel submissive, but didn't tell Jason. Well, you didn't tell _the readers_ either. So the whole mental resistance breakdown and seduction could have been a little richer. Hank was a little bit clumsy both as a character and how he acted. Was Hank a predator type? Well, he didn't seem to know, which is kind of fair, but based on him simply not affecting Corey with pheromones the answer seems clearly "no" he was just a top who was left alone because he worked there. And maybe he was a little dumb or oblivious or maybe he was slightly addled by a contact buzz from all the predators. You'd think that the person who worked there would really understand everything; he also must have believed Corey would be truly safe there, or he would have warned him off. But he didn't, but then he did keep chaperoning him. So, he was telling Corey it was safe but guarding him just in case? WTF Hank? At this point, the internal logic of the story gets muddied. Hank said that in certain hours of the gym the predator/prey thing happened. Jason normally didn't work out in the "safe" hours but when he happened to be there he went after Corey, then he came back and attacked him a week later. So why are there safe hours? Is it a formal rule that someone enforces? Do the predatory guys have a pact that they're supposed to leave normies alone during the day? Is Hank simply wrong (very plausible he seems dumb) and the dangerous studs just usually work out in the evening? If there is a formal safe time shouldn't Jason answer to someone for violating it, twice even? And attacking a gym staff member? And was the mild exposure to Jason's stink enough to make Hank "get in line" at least or did he shrug it off later? And then the big question: Why is this all happening? If this story was just about Jason, Random Guy With Pheromone Powers it wouldn't be such a big deal. You could assume he's a mutant or has magic or any of a number of possible reasons. But if it's a BUNCH of guys at the same place with the same power, what is going on? Does the gym magically bestow this quality on them based on if they have top/dom personalities or some other factor? Does some Gym Master bestow pheromone powers? Are the doms mutants and they just picked a gym to use? Because what is really going on here should act as a frame or boundary for the story and it doesn't feel like you have that. It feels like you made it all up as you went along and never sussed out this background even for yourself. As a hot domination story, totally fine, but as a very analytical reader it kept taking me out of the story. Like at one point I wondered, since Corey said twice he didn't want to be a bitch, would he maybe resist? Could exposure to Jason "contaminating" him with his pheromones make him develop powers of his own? Could Corey start giving off hypnostink and perhaps claim Hank?? Nope. Still, Jason was hot. He was a little more degrading than I like (Rory was sexy pet name, Whorey not so much) but he was genuinely INTO his prey. And at the end once he formed his D/s relationship he's letting him act normal. It sounds like Corey might not even be kept totally stoned out to being a total barely there sub. So that's not too bad. The story feels like a fun, slightly scary but not horrible domination fantasy. Overall I really liked the story but from an editing background I would liked to have seen 1 more revision done on it. There were a couple lines that I think just made no sense to me and a couple that were so unclear I stopped and re-read them then moved on. So if I were your editor there would be a lot of notes on this one, all in the intent of challenging you to really knock this one out of the park.

Ooooh I loved this! Can't wait for Connor to find out. Wondering if you're just going to stick with feet or also have other body parts be hypnotic like his pits hehe

Taking up the ideas already revealed in the story, he is "Good, but not perfect" yet! So more changes are to come, probably a new hairstyle and tattoos on hands and neck that can't be hidden , e.g. "CHAV LIFE" fits across 8 fingers or below his ear(s). Some piercings too, to add to his discomfort as he is transformed to the cop's perfect "Chav." The fact the cop might want to make him "Perfect" suggests he has plans for him and might want to keep him in some way. Is he really at the cop shop, or was the message asking the officer to return a recording played at the right time to lull him into a false sense of security? To keep up with the Cop's scene he needs to be cuffed before he can get out from the back of the car and then he's taken into the building through a back entrance. Is it really a cop-shop or is it something else? Is he drugged and then hypnotised so he thinks the scallies he saw in the area are his mates (where did they come from?) There's loads of mileage in this plot from where you stopped. It's certainly worth another couple of instalments before he becomes the cop's Chav Boi.

I like how the hypno comes from Preston's pov, meaning we see it from the guy doing the controlling. It being followed by us seeing Justin's obedience was hot. So yeah this was sexy.

So hot and so sweet! Loved it, great job.

❗W🤩W❗ I 💖 the detail in this story. It looks like Jack & Eric will be 😘HAPPY😘 4 the rest of their lives👍 A gr8 story & I'm looking 4ward 2 reading the next chapter's 📖🤓📖

If I’m brutally honest, I actually expected something more subversive - eg. the blindness would make Corey immune and a bigger challenge for Jason whose over reliance on the strength of his musk made him lazy and conceited. It could have even progressed into Corey turning the tables on Jason and make him his bitch - or dominate him from the power bottom or small Dom big sub perspective. Alternatively, Jason would rise to the challenge and win Corey’s affections or even submission by other means - just not by his strength or his musk. But this is your story - and it works. The bully wins - which I’m never a fan of - but it’s not an “unpleasant win”, due to the kind of afterword you did. The sex scenes seemed enjoyable for both at least. Minor thing, but I noticed a few typos or almost “autocorrect mistakes”? Was this typed on a phone? Either way, one more read - or maybe a read-through from a proof-reader - would make this a flawless experience.

This is fantastic. I can't wait to see what happens in part two. I wonder if Conner will realise what's going on, and use it to his advantage

I hoped it wouldn't end where it did. I enjoyed the story very much. A few English errors that made understanding a hit and miss between one or three ideas, but good none the less!

Oh? THAT was easy. Justin seems to be a good boy