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Recent Comments

Nov 30, 2021
12/3/21, 2:22 AM
This is going to be a two part comment. First, I'd like to say that this was a solid piece of writing. Particularly, I found the bit about the character creation to be well-crafted and a fresh take on the idea of game avatars mimicking real life. While phrases like "He said" are not my favorites, you managed to make it work fairly well and I was not taken out of the story because of them. Though if you have the chance to replace them with more vibrant language it will almost always help in your storytelling. I will also echo what several others have been saying: that many of the mind control aspects could have been expanded on further. An audience is a sucker for details. By my word count extension, the piece clocks just shy of 1,500 words. I'm always impressed with someone who can tell a concise story in such a short space. If you're setting yourself a cap, as many writers do, it can be helpful to take a pair of scissors to the piece and cut anything that's not aiding your story. This will free up your work to add more detail and/or characterization in other areas. I'm definitely watching what more you have to share on this site. Now on to the comments section. I knew it would be divisive from the second I saw that this was a race-play story. I hope that you don't take these critiques as a blow to your writing ability. They are not. Any slightly controversial story on this site will get lobbed with these comments about how "X kink shouldn't be allowed on the site." These comments have been going back to old stories with incest themes and more we'd find pretty tame on this site today. And if you want to get historical there's plenty of criticism of pretty much any art work deemed "morally wrong" by someone with a pen or a keyboard. I can't help but notice that the comments that are vehemently against the subject matter are (at time of writing this comment) either anonymous or have no published stories themselves. This makes me wary of putting any weight on their claims of "It's racist" as I can't really call them your peers with no works to speak of. What I will critique on this subject, is that the themes of race-play rely heavily on stereotypes and cliche. While any story will have some tropes in it, you need to be watchful that the tropes serve the story/ character and not the other way around. For such a bare-bones story, we don't really get to know any of these characters before they're acting like monkeys and eating drugged bananas. I believe there's other ways to end up here. Perhaps a longer length would aid in this, and for stories of this size we really need to be able to see more characterization or else it's just a nondescript black man who becomes a caricature of a nondescript black man. And I've read that story before. This is NOT to say that race-play can't make good stories or be intensely erotic. But please, be mindful of how you use these themes and kinks in your writing. I'm running a bit long here. If you want the short version: this is a tight story and I really enjoyed it. I'll be watching for your name on the front page again soon.
12/11/21, 1:17 PM
@ReMinder Thanks for the critique! You seem to actually know what you're talking about, haha. I've said this a few times here, but I accept as an inevitability that people will react negatively to this, and respect them for doing so. This was mostly just a short fantasy, to put an idea that had been floating around in my head into writing, and the short length is due to my own eagerness to get to the "exciting" bit, which I'm aware is something I need to work on. It's far too easy for me to go "I've got the white body, I've got the black body, I've got the bananas, time to move on!" The poor characterisation is also due to this, and also just my poor writing, haha. Yet I am aware that this detracts from the story, and can cause more controversy and upset than it would already garner from its subject matter to begin with. I do intend to rewrite this chapter or make a second - regardless of which I decide on, I'll be sure to take on your advice!
Nov 30, 2021
Anonymous
12/2/21, 12:09 PM
have you ever consider to try a curious idea? LET EVERY AUTHOR WRITE WHATEVER THEY WANT. No one is forced to read this story or any subject you dont like.
12/11/21, 1:01 PM
Oh, I reckon people do have the right to be upset about the subject matter here. I hardly agree with them, as this is just a poorly written porn fantasy, written for purposes of catharsis, which doesn't actively serve to promote racism and discrimination. I just hope in future to avoid that by making it even more clear that the racist, kidnapping, brainwashing company is, in fact, evil, and that they are morally in the wrong - I worry that anger my be caused if I convey at any point that I agree with any thing Mon.Co.
Nov 30, 2021
12/1/21, 2:13 AM
Really enjoyed the story! Looking forward more with "mon.co", even though I'm sure I'll read this one plenty more. Some others seem to not like that you mentioned they were all black, but I'd wouldn't mind it if you took this to a more racial power dynamic/domination direction, but if not, I'm sure I'd enjoy whatever else you had planned. Hope to see more from you in the future! Also, to those worried about the racial element of this story: this is a *fantasy* story about a company with basically no morals that *brainwashes guys* and you're concerned about intra-racial racism? *Seriously?*
12/11/21, 12:53 PM
@zakk Yeah, I'm planning to rewrite/make a second chapter (with a slightly greater focus on the racial aspect, and generally just better writeen), and in doing so make sure the company is very clearly in the morally wrong - which should be obvious considering their actions. But regardless, I fully accept that people are going to be upset by the racial element, and rightfully so. It's a reasonable thing to get upset over, and I really do wish to convey that I disagree with and am disgusted by discrimination, however am here fetishising for purposes of catharsis.
Nov 30, 2021
11/30/21, 2:16 PM
I like the premise, but for me, the story is a little too fast-paced. Matt's mental transformation is almost instantaneous, and to me, it would be a lot hotter if he gradually got addicted to the game and corrupted by it.
12/11/21, 12:48 PM
@Hypnothrill Oh, surprised to see you here, haha. Been a big fan of your stuff for quite a while. The story was mostly me just fleshing out a fantasy I had a little, and was written in half an hour, so my own zeal lead to the fast pace. I'm considering doing a second chapter, or just rewriting this one, so its less "Ok be monke now" and more gradual.
Aug 26, 2005
12/11/21, 7:16 AM
It's a bit of a mindfuck that this mimbo muscle whore still has brains enough to write so eloquently in his personal logs. lol That was a great epilogue. Although, nowadays, a cop kneeling on a perp's neck has different connotations compared to 2005 when you wrote this.
12/11/21, 11:08 AM
@PEN15LUVR That didn't stop anyone from complaining about it. Yes, i wrote it 15 years ago but it has triggered quite a number of people. That's a shame -- it's just fiction.
Nov 7, 2009
12/11/21, 7:45 AM
Great story! Love the point of view from the genie.
Dec 10, 2021
12/11/21, 7:42 AM
God this is so great. I am loving every chapter of these
Aug 15, 2005
12/11/21, 6:38 AM
OMG that's only Chapter One! Hot hot hot! And also, because I'm a perfectionist, in describing how the cop walked back to your car, it should be a confident gait, not gate. Unless he's corralling otters in his pants, then who am I to judge?
Jul 5, 2010
Anonymous
12/11/21, 6:13 AM
interesting idea, but not far left to go. Matthew's mind is gone, as is the resistance . i enjoy the fight or struggle more. Others will probably find later chapters with him enslaved better. But not me. good luck
Nov 30, 2021
12/11/21, 4:07 AM
I screamed at the "massive touch screen" of his iPhone4. I feel so old, God...