Recent Comments

8/26/21, 3:05 AM
really great, love your stories

8/27/21, 4:55 AM
@Wallace Thanks, my friend. Your feedback is always important :D
8/26/21, 4:03 AM
Quando uma Historia é tão quente, que faz com que cada sensação dos personagens consiga ser sentida por mim. épica demais, material perfeito para ser degustado aos poucos em varias leituras.

8/27/21, 4:54 AM
@Timdlv Valeu, cara. Eu queria conseguir escrever mais rapido e postar mais capitulos mas eh foda haha Valeu pelo apoio e por estar lah comigo no Twitter ;)
Mat
8/26/21, 8:37 PM
Just so fucking hot. Brian is the best writer.

8/27/21, 4:52 AM
@Mat You're great as always, my friend ;)
8/27/21, 2:11 AM
Great start! Eagerly anticipating the next chapter!
Aug 26, 2021
8/27/21, 12:37 AM
Good Story
8/26/21, 6:20 PM
Great chapter man. I enjoyed the sex and the edits, but the part that really got me was the sexual tension with Marc at the meeting. I think we've all been in that position, where we're sitting just a little too close to someone we're attracted to.

8/27/21, 12:34 AM
Thanks! Marc kind of worked his magic on me -- he was just supposed to be a minor irritation to Sam when I first started writing this story. @Derek Williams
Revenge
8/26/21, 2:48 PM
cant believe it took me this much to start reading this and when i started i just couldnt stop... its so GOOD!!!! it goes straight into my favorite stories section

8/27/21, 12:33 AM
Thanks! @Revenge
8/26/21, 4:36 AM
I don't want this story to end :)

8/27/21, 12:32 AM
Aww, thanks! I have a bunch more chapters planned! @italianstalian1987
8/26/21, 11:40 PM
fuckin classic from tumblr, i remember reading this years back! Nice to stumble across it again
8/25/21, 7:52 PM
I liked this well enough, I think it's written well, but I'll offer a critique since you asked and no one else seems to have said it: I really wasn't a fan of the amount of exposition, here. It just feels like too much. We don't need to have so much of the background or Vincent's origins fleshed out for us. The cliff notes version will do. I think too often some writers get bogged down in this, feeling like there needs to be this scene wherein the controller explains everything to the subject in detail before getting down to business, and much of the time it feels arbitrary, especially in short form stories. Long form, multichapter stories need more of that, but for short stories, it can really mess up the flow to have a big infodump in the middle. Not only that, but the old rule applies: show, don't tell. Rather than a character monologuing past events to us, simply show us those events if they're so important. To quote Elvis: a little less conversation, a little more action. Just my 2 cents.

8/25/21, 8:50 PM
@bak2jak I'm glad you made this comment, because I also struggled with that exposition-heavy section where Vincent talks about his powers. To be honest, it was a real boner-killer for me, because it took the focus away from Dylan's perspective--and that's what I was finding engaging and arousing, how Dylan was reacting to the changes in his father and how he was rationalizing the changes in his own mind. There would be a way to tell this part of the story where it's entirely from Dylan's perspective, where Dylan is just paraphrasing what Vincent is saying and, eventually, not paying much attention because he's feeling so aroused. But that's mostly a matter of personal preference; clearly, some readers responded really well to this mode of storytelling.

8/26/21, 12:20 PM
@Hypnothrill thank you for this critique. i have the most trouble keeping my stories sufficiently arousing. its consistently my weakest rating score and that has become a point of pride to change my scores to become higher. the sheer fact that one of my absolute favorite writers on this site has been reading my work has made me both spaz out in embarrassment and preen at the attention, so i will take great care to try and learn from your feedback.

8/26/21, 12:22 PM
@bak2jak thanks for the constructive feedback. i definitely am always looking to improve, so commentary like this is essential for me.

8/26/21, 1:28 PM
@Mind Labyrinth Oh, "Hot" and "Wanking Material" are usually my weakest ratings categories too. I think guys' dicks are just harsher critics than their brains are.

8/26/21, 3:40 PM
@Hypnothrill That's certainly true. For some men it either it sets those nerves on fire or it doesn't.

8/26/21, 4:27 PM
@Mind Labyrinth One general piece of writing advice I'd offer you (or anyone) is to think carefully about the different narrative options you have as a storyteller and pick the one that best suits the kind of story you want to tell. For instance, I think that in some respects, this story might have worked better as a triptych, split into three shorter chapters, each one narrated by a different character. That way, you could have given us a more immediate rendering of Dylan's mindset and personality changing as a result of Vincent's mental "nudges." And, if you had Vincent as a narrator for an entire chapter, you could have more clearly established that he's been corrupted by his power and is full of rationalizations for his bad behavior.

8/26/21, 11:22 PM
@Hypnothrill that is a perfect idea. i am definitely putting that in the tool box when i encounter an exposition heavy portion of my story. thank you so much for the critique!