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Recent Comments

Aug 23, 2021
8/25/21, 7:52 PM
I liked this well enough, I think it's written well, but I'll offer a critique since you asked and no one else seems to have said it: I really wasn't a fan of the amount of exposition, here. It just feels like too much. We don't need to have so much of the background or Vincent's origins fleshed out for us. The cliff notes version will do. I think too often some writers get bogged down in this, feeling like there needs to be this scene wherein the controller explains everything to the subject in detail before getting down to business, and much of the time it feels arbitrary, especially in short form stories. Long form, multichapter stories need more of that, but for short stories, it can really mess up the flow to have a big infodump in the middle. Not only that, but the old rule applies: show, don't tell. Rather than a character monologuing past events to us, simply show us those events if they're so important. To quote Elvis: a little less conversation, a little more action. Just my 2 cents.
8/25/21, 8:50 PM
@bak2jak I'm glad you made this comment, because I also struggled with that exposition-heavy section where Vincent talks about his powers. To be honest, it was a real boner-killer for me, because it took the focus away from Dylan's perspective--and that's what I was finding engaging and arousing, how Dylan was reacting to the changes in his father and how he was rationalizing the changes in his own mind. There would be a way to tell this part of the story where it's entirely from Dylan's perspective, where Dylan is just paraphrasing what Vincent is saying and, eventually, not paying much attention because he's feeling so aroused. But that's mostly a matter of personal preference; clearly, some readers responded really well to this mode of storytelling.
8/26/21, 12:20 PM
@Hypnothrill thank you for this critique. i have the most trouble keeping my stories sufficiently arousing. its consistently my weakest rating score and that has become a point of pride to change my scores to become higher. the sheer fact that one of my absolute favorite writers on this site has been reading my work has made me both spaz out in embarrassment and preen at the attention, so i will take great care to try and learn from your feedback.
8/26/21, 12:22 PM
@bak2jak thanks for the constructive feedback. i definitely am always looking to improve, so commentary like this is essential for me.
8/26/21, 1:28 PM
@Mind Labyrinth Oh, "Hot" and "Wanking Material" are usually my weakest ratings categories too. I think guys' dicks are just harsher critics than their brains are.
8/26/21, 3:40 PM
@Hypnothrill That's certainly true. For some men it either it sets those nerves on fire or it doesn't.
8/26/21, 4:27 PM
@Mind Labyrinth One general piece of writing advice I'd offer you (or anyone) is to think carefully about the different narrative options you have as a storyteller and pick the one that best suits the kind of story you want to tell. For instance, I think that in some respects, this story might have worked better as a triptych, split into three shorter chapters, each one narrated by a different character. That way, you could have given us a more immediate rendering of Dylan's mindset and personality changing as a result of Vincent's mental "nudges." And, if you had Vincent as a narrator for an entire chapter, you could have more clearly established that he's been corrupted by his power and is full of rationalizations for his bad behavior.
8/26/21, 11:22 PM
@Hypnothrill that is a perfect idea. i am definitely putting that in the tool box when i encounter an exposition heavy portion of my story. thank you so much for the critique!
Aug 23, 2021
8/25/21, 11:37 PM
I could accept that Vincent nudged Dylan's father too hard and had to take care of him for life but he did not have to make Dylan his lover. I somehow doubt Dylan would have chosen to be Vincent's lover. So Vincent crossed the line of accidental mind control to deliberate misuse of his power. Dylan is his thrall no higher in status than his dad. There is no point to this control. Dylan is not and never was property for his dad to sign over. As they say "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Vincent is rotting inside. As a specific comment about the writing: the change in Dylan from confused son to willing fuckboy happened too fast.
8/26/21, 2:35 AM
@Cutlerfan thank you for sharing your thoughts on my story. you are right that Vincent is a horrible abuser of power here and is violating the autonomy of the Prince family utterly. he is, in his very dialog, both admitting that he is abusing his power over them, and gaslighting himself into believing that he is not morally wrong here. everything that Vincent does, and by extention Peter too, is shaded on that skewed mentality, and its a logical fallacy of the most obvious kind. i did not write vincent to be a paragon of good moral standing. and seeing some of the more passionate commentary sounding angry or disgusted with Vincents actions tell me that i did a good job of writing him as antagonist. as to the comment that the transformation happened too fast, that's the nature of the nudge that Vincent gave him. for longer mental transformations perhaps you would enjoy my story 'The Dragon Lord' where much of the story is based strictly in the mental alteration process. thanks for the !comment
8/26/21, 3:38 PM
@Mind Labyrinth A great reply. I failed to realize that Vincent had advanced from nudges to full domination ability. I'm glad you weren't trying to make him actually an okay guy. One question I have is that what happens when Vincent dies one day. Is his mental control freed from his victims or have they been so thoroughly mind fucked by that point there is no going back? Just curious. I've been considering long term effects of mind control in stories.
8/26/21, 10:42 PM
@Cutlerfan from the rules i assigned Vincent's powers, his abilities are ro be able to read other people's minds, and also to insert his own ideas into those minds as higher priority input than what used to be there. for the most part he doesnt use much of his power at once, just nudging people this way or that way. this is why he thinks of his power as nudging, but he is able to forcably insert foregin ideas no matter the magnitude, with no backlash. with this idea, vincents abilities do not fade when he dies. now, peter will very likely have passed on by this point, so he will be fine. dylan on the other hand i see as the eternal widower, mourning the loss of the love of his life, and living on to the best way he can because that is what vincent would have wanted.
Aug 26, 2021
Anonymous
8/26/21, 9:30 PM
Will saying the words and ending up as the service top here would be great. Though if he has to obey Lee, Lee would probably get his length back. Maybe he should just be the small dicked bottom
Jun 4, 2016
7/28/18, 4:48 PM
I loved this! Does anyone have a link to the story mentioned earlier? “Change of truths” on Fur Affinity?
lefty616
8/26/21, 6:42 PM
@MonsterMash62 Found it! http://www.furrypowah.com/2018/11/a-change-of-truths.html?zx=2d0f7e31a9458727
8/26/21, 7:27 PM
Wow. That was fast and intense. I’m not usually into furry stuff but that is hot. @lefty616
Aug 26, 2021
8/26/21, 3:46 PM
"Will thought about it, but he was starting to sober up. He knew that was a bad idea. “No, that’s not worth the risk. Those spells could screw up your life.” Yep he just crossed the boundary from somewhat scheming to full on jerk. Will needs to be taken down. Hopefully Lee will realize he should have been nicer to Will but this doesn't justify what Will has done.
Aug 26, 2021
8/26/21, 1:50 PM
I’m really hating on Will. I really really really hope this backfires. Will becoming Lee’s big cocked slave would be really hot.
Aug 23, 2021
8/25/21, 3:25 AM
I was "sucked" into the story from the beginning. Your writing is so smooth that I had to read and read and wanted more. The characters were very well developed and I could visualize each of them as the action progressed. The sex was way hot and I could see myself watching in the bedroom as the men fucked, sucked and tongued holes (I only wish I was actually in the room). I was hard and leaking the whole time, which is why I gave you 5's in all categories. This is the first story I have read from you and I want to find more. Great story!
8/26/21, 12:28 PM
@MuscleSon69 Thank you So, SO much for your overwhelmingly lovely feedback! knowing that you could easily visualize the scenes, and that i succeeded in making my characters compelling to a larger audience than just myself is so vindicating! i hope you find more itels you enjoy in my written works!
Aug 23, 2021
8/25/21, 2:22 PM
Boy oh boy. Amazing story. I loved that Vincent wasn't outright evil. You don't see that often. The idea of "nudges" is perfect, you really start to pick up that something isn't right almost immediately. For me it was the scene about the report card. 😍😍
8/26/21, 12:24 PM
@Norismo striking a balance between 'something weird is going on here' and 'everything is COMPLETELY normal, what are you talking about?' was a vibe i wanted to shift between as smoothly as possible. thankfully it looks like i did it correctly. thanks for your wonderful feedback!
Jan 6, 2021
The_Supernatural_D
8/26/21, 11:15 AM
Hope you write a part two!
May 6, 2021
nycboot
8/26/21, 6:53 AM
@autoDream I hope you haven't given up on Jese....