Recent Comments

7/14/21, 12:42 AM
Hey man - cool and exciting concept here. I found it a little difficult to follow at times though, and it kind of held me at arm's length from the story as I put more energy on following the events than enjoying them. Three things jumped out at me in particular: 1) Long paragraphs are tiring for the eye to follow when staring at a screen. Consider breaking them up into smaller chunks. 2) Attention to detail. For instance, I think it was the third challenge where you said it was the second challenge. Or the final challenge when Percy got to choose the category because he won the previous challenge - except he had actually lost it. Plus some typos. This needed an extra read-through to catch little things like that. (And I say this as someone who edits and tweaks my own stories after publication *all the damn time* because I think I caught everything, but alas, I did not). 3) Alternate ways of describing things. You used mostly visual language, like what it the transformation would look like to an outside observer. Consider adding what it feels like to the target of the transformation, or what their emotional state/inner thoughts are. This would add some variety and help the reader really connect with the reality you're working to create. I'd love to see this continued, as it's a concept that really works for me. Good luck in the contest, and hopefully we'll see chapters 2, 3 and beyond in the future!

7/14/21, 1:57 PM
@Noam de Pluma This very well maybe the best feedback I think I have read so far. Not only do you tell me what went well in my attempt but you also tell me where I may consider improving. I really appreciate this feedback as well as other feedback. I am usually attempting to polish my writing while also doing my best work. I don't know if there will be other chapters but I also don't know there wont be others.
7/14/21, 12:06 PM
Hey, I just wanted you to know that I still read your series. I think the premise is amazing. I hope we'll get to read more in the future.
7/14/21, 10:46 AM
This is brilliant work, and it's unusual that we see the straight-to-gay trope played on the mind controller as well as the people he controls! I do hope we get to see Robert put in his place though. That was, uh, really hot.
7/13/21, 2:17 PM
Great story and a very cool premise. I love the idea of characters in a story being sentient, and aware of the author making changes to their universe. Kind of like the animators messing with Bugs and Daffy : ) Thanks for a great read... LLOYD

7/13/21, 7:30 PM
Thanks @Lloyd311 😀. I hadn't thought about Bugs and Daffy, but that's definitely the feel, eh? When I wrote this, I was thinking about a story I read online when I was a teen. It was a riff off the Hardy Boys, where an editor was going through their lives and making everything more wholesome. I specifically remember their van getting turned from a panel van into a minivan with windows all over, just so nothing untoward could happen inside. I wish I could find it again.

Fort Naks
7/14/21, 9:08 AM
@Derek Williams so also check out Stephen King's Word Processor of the Gods.... similar situation
Fort Naks
7/12/21, 5:22 PM
Do you ever wonder if DW is trolling all of us? Like what if he's really the VOICE OF GOD, and he's really controlling all of our lives? And what if he's just writing stories within stories, and we are all characters in his mind? Well DW, I demand a better edit. This whole pandemic thing was too "Contagion" for my liking? Why not make it more like a himbo pandemic or something? That would have been so much fun! And can you imagine the stuff we would get up to if the VOICE OF GOD was an actual himbo? Hurry up and himbofy the whole world already! <3

Martin
7/12/21, 5:36 PM
@Fort Naks I desperately need to add a "like" feature to these comments! 👍

7/12/21, 7:49 PM
Watch yourself @Fort Naks, or I'll write your character into a nerdy librarian type, doomed to forever work behind a desk while your library is filled with himbos who can't read because they're so distracted by their bodies. I'm just joking of course. You'll think you're the nerdy librarian type, but that just means you wear those black framed glasses. There won't even be any lenses in them. You'll get fucked plenty. We had to have the pandemic. No matter how powerful I am, I still have to follow narrative structure! That means if I made it a himbo pandemic, we'd have to resolve the himbos to resolve the story. And I want to resolve stories - there's nothing worse than a pandemic storyline that just goes on and on and on. What I've got in mind for this is much more devious. The pandemic has set up a situation where people are ready to do just about anything to get back to normal. This is all part of the setup. As the pandemic dies down, we'll find out that there's a side effect. I don't want to give the whole story away, but I think it's safe to say that plenty of people are going to find themselves slowly transforming into the gay fantasy they've always secretly wished for. Even the guys who are convinced they're straight will realize that they've just been fooling themselves. After all, all their buddies are gay himbos, why wouldn't they be too? They'll probably struggle with it, but in the end they'll realize they did it to themselves. In the end, it was their choice. Anyhow, just make sure you get your vaccine.

7/12/21, 7:50 PM
I "like" that idea @Martin!

Fort Naks
7/14/21, 9:06 AM
@Derek Williams I'm already vaccinated, so I look forward to those side effects
7/14/21, 7:39 AM
more
7/14/21, 6:05 AM
Ha, ha! Ahhhhh, so good. I love your dumb horny ape-men stories!
7/14/21, 3:56 AM
I'd love to be that daddy bear.
7/14/21, 3:34 AM
I hope you have Max mind control Aaron more!
7/14/21, 2:21 AM
love! just like pete's story