Recent Comments

Apr 6, 2021
4/7/21, 1:28 AM
This could use more detail. It's almost like you had a time limit to write a story, and so I felt deprived of character development and helpful exposition. Like, what's the handshake technique? The description of the hypnosis video didn't sound like it was very interesting, yet the main character became an expert from just one viewing. Also, where's the revenge? Your main character seems more like a bully dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia than someone who might be justified in ruining people's lives. His cousin is someone he's jealous of/turned on by, he wasn't described as particularly vicious, there's no examples of why he deserves revenge. He's a bit of a cocky prick, but so are most guys in high school. This is definitely first draft material, but it needs some more to it. The ending was too vague for me to look forward to a chapter 2; chapter 1 needs some filling out first, especially to tell us why he deserves to get revenge.

4/11/21, 7:02 PM
@PEN15LUVR you know it's nice to see someone else who leaves such specific comments on stories that have the potential to be good, if the author would just put a little bit more into them. I'm actually okay with the nebulous description of the handshake induction, but probably only because I know what the author is talking about. The stuff at the end though did seem really really rushed. Does bring up the interesting question of did the POV character do more than he thought or is there someone else hypnotizing people including some that he's already had a go at. I confess I have to agree though that it does feel kind of mean-spirited. I actually kinda felt good for the coach and the cousin getting to fuck each other later. probably would make a lot of money on only fans considering how hot they sound.
Apr 11, 2021
4/11/21, 6:35 PM
I was a little confused because something bit him in the shower, but then he still needed to have something loaded into his ass? so there were two parasites, or like one was a drone and one was the queen (king)? It seems like it would've been better to just have the thing that bit him on the scrotum infect his dick instead of trying to have something come through the ass to the dick. I mean, if you put something up someone's ass, it's not really going anywhere except into the abdomen unless you're talking about vein-like intrusions that reasonably would take a little bit of time to grow. And actually, considering that you say that the controlling creatures end up in their dicks, having something coming out of Diego's mouth makes even less sense.

4/11/21, 6:54 PM
@Nocturne13 The idea is that the creature enters through the ass and then has various tentacles/appendages that expand within the human host's body. Eventually, it grows to a size where it can divide and reproduce, and it does that by coming out of a host's mouth. I guess I'm playing fast and loose with xenobiology here, but of course, I'm describing something that can't possibly exist. When writing these kinds of alien/parasite invasion stories, it's always a bit like doing a magic trick; you just have to hope that you keep most readers distracted enough that they don't start thinking too deeply into the mechanics of it all and spoil the magic.
Apr 11, 2021
Anonymous
4/11/21, 6:48 PM
excellent work
Apr 11, 2021
4/11/21, 6:03 PM
Hmm. loving the promised idea, will follow. Thanks having similar inspiration moments, its in the forum. 10 dads. Not a direct suggestion for this or any of your writing but would like you to comment.
4/11/21, 4:40 PM
Yooo the stuff with the gaze was amazing. I think that what you did with Christine was good too, despite some of the comments.
4/11/21, 3:40 PM
Thinking a hot guy was at his mercy and then getting turned into a fucktoy was really hot. At first, I couldn't figure out the connection between chapter 1 and chapter 2, but the connection is nicely done.
4/6/21, 11:18 PM
Very interesting setup here - this can go in a lot of fun directions. I know you've already written some more chapters, so this is late, but if I have any constructive criticism to offer it would be dialogue. The demon's lines made enough sense as he would have a grander way of speaking, the the mortal read very much as an info-dump to me, more like the authors providing us with info than a real person who phrases things in ways that suggest character and personality. Telling, not showing. I love the premise however and will absolutely be reading onward. Thank you for taking the time to get this written and published!

4/11/21, 3:10 PM
Hi @Noam de Pluma! Thanks for your comment. When MisterXIX and I started writing this story, it was simply us typing out a section at a time without any real idea of plot or direction. We were writing to challenge and suprise each other and so this first chapter, following a bit of a tidy-up is almost an example of improvisational "yes and" style writing, so I can completely agree with your opinion. We had no idea of where we were going or what we were doing, but it's been really fun to write with MisterXIX and weave a story together... we have the remaining chapters outlined and we hope you'll enjoy where it goes!

4/11/21, 3:26 PM
@HunkLover Ah makes sense. I did read the next couple of chapters and the dialogue had a more natural feel to it. The series took a bit of a darker turn than I usually go for, but you've got me hooked and I will be finishing it off :)
3/4/21, 10:47 PM
This is amazing! So fucking hot and still has a great story. Great work, I hope to see more of it!

4/11/21, 3:13 PM
@Wulfgrimm Wow. Thank you so much for your feedback, it really means a lot! We’re busily working away on the upcoming chapters and we can’t wait to share them with you!
3/4/21, 10:11 PM
Holy fuck I cannot wait to see where this goes. Well done.

4/11/21, 3:13 PM
Well, thank you very much @Alpha Artemis! That's very kind of you to say!
Jack
3/4/21, 8:52 PM
Holy shit. This is fucking hot!

4/11/21, 3:13 PM
@Jack Thank you. We aim to please!