Recent Comments

3/23/21, 3:28 AM
Hey, Dace! Hey, other kind-commentator (whose profile name isn't showing above)! I'm just catching up with your messages, and want to say "thank you"! I've got some ideas floating around and will try to hammer them out before long!
3/23/21, 2:35 AM
Hehe would love to see how he is force fed by a funnel... gallons of water being pumped through his system hehe
Scott
3/23/21, 2:18 AM
hope more of the story develops.
Jockmorphr
3/23/21, 2:10 AM
I'm not sure how missed this story, but I absolutely loved it! I would love to see another story in this universe, perhaps following these characters or following a different set of characters who also cross paths with "the manager".
3/23/21, 1:41 AM
Enough. turn him into someone and something interesting. This is just a cartoon gone bad.
3/23/21, 1:40 AM
Great sci-fi, reminded me a bit of Minority Report (the TV series, not the movie). It's too bad the future still has so much discrimination, but I suppose it's analogous to the hatred and fear directed at the Mutants in the X-men universe. Hope you write a sequel, I'd like for Louis to get some serious comeuppance and for Zander's brother to find him alive and, if not necessarily well, at least healthy given all the protein shots he's probably received in the 3 months since he was detained.
3/23/21, 1:36 AM
Hot!
3/23/21, 1:12 AM
Thanks for the positive comments so far. Definitely planning on continuing the story! I also made an edit today to fix the mistake noticed by PEN15LUVR.
3/23/21, 12:49 AM
I like this. There's like three different stories in here, all of which have potential. During the first part i thought Elijah had been brainwashed into being a soldier because his personality had changed so much from what Jacob remembered. This was reinforced by his parents attitude of wanting him to be different, his room being changed while he was gone, and his "no homo" machismo attitude. So i thought it would be about Jacob undoing that and saving his friend. For the second part i assumed it was going to be your classic "my childhood friend changed/ grew up/ grew apart and I'm going to use hypnosis to make him my friend again." The last part was Elijah hypnotizing Jacob back, which is an idea i've always been interested in writing and would love to see you expand on it. There's a lot of potential here and I'd love to see you polish it more. The writing is rough, but there's only a few points where it gets in the way of comprehension (the last section being notable), and as long as people understand what you're trying to say, that's more important than perfect grammar. So keep up the good work (when you have time) and i look forward to see what you write. Maybe take a stab at it myself 😉
3/23/21, 12:37 AM
How did Grant shoot his load into Sam when you wrote a whole passage about putting a condom on Grant's dick? If he was stealthing, you gotta tell the reader that. I didn't enjoy ending the story with that giant HOW? running in my head.