Recent Comments

11/4/20, 2:59 AM
I don't think we can rule Asher out yet. The presence of a true supernatural force plays with the rules. if this followed the rules of the original "And Then There Were None", Asher would not have been the first victim. The order of the victims correlated with the evil of their crimes. Asher not only ruined the life of a person in the long term, but that person was his own brother. That being said, Theo's kitchen texting is intriguing, and the fact that Wesley comes backwater having moved away puts him on my list as well. From a transformation fetishist standpoint, the transformation was hot on its own, and the demon corruption added to it makes me want to read it over and over. great job to Bigger, and I look forward to more
11/4/20, 2:53 AM
Ha! You don't expect the "straight man" to be the one affected by the magic. I mean it's his own fault, he did ask about the price but then blew it off when the baron was already out the door. (That's totally the dragon in human form I bet...).
11/4/20, 2:34 AM
Nicely done! there are a few grammatical errors or possibly typoes. A couple word choices are a little anachronistic in a fantasy setting but those are just minor things really. A little more info on the captive's appearance would be great, I'm curious if he's like a beast-headed man or a human with some animalistic traits.
11/4/20, 2:22 AM
A little religious terminology distinction: Catholic churches have fathers, not pastors. That does throw things off to hear you speak of a pastor of Catholic church.
11/4/20, 2:22 AM
such a great teaser of what's to come!
11/4/20, 1:59 AM
I somehow didn't feel it was very hot. It was like shooting fish in a barrel it was so easy to take the protagonist under control. I think it would be hotter if you got into his mind and let him experience the fear and horror of making this monumental mistake. As it is, he's quickly a nonentity and I have no emotional connection to him and his circumstances. It's an interesting premise but I just feel like the story could have more depth. You can get past that by making the story hot enough or maybe building the control up. Honestly I expected the protagonist to find some harmless but alarming triggers programmed in and to go along for a day or two before being really caught and realizing that actually he had already been caught on the first day and was just dangling like a puppet on a string and just not realizing it.
11/4/20, 1:33 AM
Stream of consciousness first person can be tricky to pull off but this is a step up from the other story. However, to really make a story like this land you need to fill in the details a bit more and convey the uncertainty and confusion. Ultimately I'm not sure the story landed. The demon left a marker but the priest is not aware he had a good time. Is he corrupted? No it seems just that he's oblivious and butt sore. Did they screw previously? I'm not sure, I'm confused. Also why is it tagged hairy? There wasn't any hair the demon even had tiny scales for hair. Random! :) And of course if a priest is getting boned by a demon there should be some level of "OMG I'm being screwed by a demon and I can't fight this because it feels great!" There's a little of that, but it's too quick. Overall an ok rough draft but it should be fleshed out a lot more!
11/4/20, 1:29 AM
I agree with D1P there. The idea is there you just need to work on your general writing skills. It reads a bit like stage directions and is a little jarring right now. Present tense is not your friend in this type of writing. It's ok to use it in dialog as someone talking to another person might be speaking in simple present tense. But for a newer writer I would avoid trying to stay in present tense there were a few places you lapsed as well. Anyway as an example, look at this line and then a rewrite with tense change and cleaner grammar: “Well, I’ll take it home, me and my girl are short on money right now.” Rikki points out. compare with: "Well, I'll take it home. Me and my girl are short on money right now," Rikki pointed out.
11/4/20, 12:34 AM
Great to see you back again! I'm a big fan of your work. Awesome start, and I look forward to future chapters.
11/3/20, 11:27 PM
This was great. Hope to see more. But maybe not. Being short is where the magic is, right?