Recent Comments

11/4/20, 2:22 AM
such a great teaser of what's to come!
11/4/20, 1:59 AM
I somehow didn't feel it was very hot. It was like shooting fish in a barrel it was so easy to take the protagonist under control. I think it would be hotter if you got into his mind and let him experience the fear and horror of making this monumental mistake. As it is, he's quickly a nonentity and I have no emotional connection to him and his circumstances. It's an interesting premise but I just feel like the story could have more depth. You can get past that by making the story hot enough or maybe building the control up. Honestly I expected the protagonist to find some harmless but alarming triggers programmed in and to go along for a day or two before being really caught and realizing that actually he had already been caught on the first day and was just dangling like a puppet on a string and just not realizing it.
11/4/20, 1:33 AM
Stream of consciousness first person can be tricky to pull off but this is a step up from the other story. However, to really make a story like this land you need to fill in the details a bit more and convey the uncertainty and confusion. Ultimately I'm not sure the story landed. The demon left a marker but the priest is not aware he had a good time. Is he corrupted? No it seems just that he's oblivious and butt sore. Did they screw previously? I'm not sure, I'm confused. Also why is it tagged hairy? There wasn't any hair the demon even had tiny scales for hair. Random! :) And of course if a priest is getting boned by a demon there should be some level of "OMG I'm being screwed by a demon and I can't fight this because it feels great!" There's a little of that, but it's too quick. Overall an ok rough draft but it should be fleshed out a lot more!
11/4/20, 1:29 AM
I agree with D1P there. The idea is there you just need to work on your general writing skills. It reads a bit like stage directions and is a little jarring right now. Present tense is not your friend in this type of writing. It's ok to use it in dialog as someone talking to another person might be speaking in simple present tense. But for a newer writer I would avoid trying to stay in present tense there were a few places you lapsed as well. Anyway as an example, look at this line and then a rewrite with tense change and cleaner grammar: “Well, I’ll take it home, me and my girl are short on money right now.” Rikki points out. compare with: "Well, I'll take it home. Me and my girl are short on money right now," Rikki pointed out.
11/4/20, 12:34 AM
Great to see you back again! I'm a big fan of your work. Awesome start, and I look forward to future chapters.
11/3/20, 11:27 PM
This was great. Hope to see more. But maybe not. Being short is where the magic is, right?
11/3/20, 10:58 PM
god i can't wait for more of this
11/3/20, 10:37 PM
it feels a little rushed... it could easily be developed into a longer story if you wanted
11/3/20, 10:31 PM
This sounds very promising! Excited for next installments.
JRL
11/3/20, 10:17 PM
REALLY hope a part two is in the works....