Recent Comments

11/1/20, 6:28 PM
Hot story. Hope there is more coming
Anonymous
11/1/20, 3:58 PM
this is really good! i find myself thinking about this story as i see borat trailers. please make another part? please?
11/1/20, 2:44 PM
@Robinhood70 more sheltered, the more delicious to corrupt ;)
oen6834
11/1/20, 2:14 PM
I really love this piece! That transformation is so hot! Will we see a sequel to this, with Bulldog taking over as commander? Great writing mate :D
11/1/20, 1:40 PM
An awesome start to a very well-written historical fiction story! I look forward to future chapters.
11/1/20, 10:47 AM
> I just thought that the mention that the Wizard was missing might be a subtle hint. > I considered having them discover him sitting in the car waiting, still obsessed with Vance, starving and filthy and afraid to leave the car for fear of the aliens (ala CUJO). But as you said... narrative clutter. Besides, Joe is a more experienced driver -- bet he bought his Jag from the Wizard, as well.
11/1/20, 5:45 AM
Great beginning! I look forward to the party and what happens next.
11/1/20, 2:04 AM
Shouldn't Ethan bring his mind altering device home with him & use it on his Mom and Dad. He could completely change their perception of Tommy & himself..Giving them 'new' memories of Tommy as their weak, nonathletic , little 'nerd' of a son, while remembering Ethan as their strong, manly, athletic 'man's-man' of a son. They would then see Tommy as a failure and want to send Ethan to room with him, so their manly boy could 'look after' his inferior brother, who has always been a disappointment to them...All the sports trophy's in Tommys room would of course belong to their athletic, strong & manly son Ethan !..This could also offer a [sexy] bonding experience between Ethan & his Dad, [something he had never experienced, but always had suspected was going-on between Tommy & Dad],,,This would be a good set-up and prelude to Ethan's return to college. Another possibly interesting plot twist would be if Ethan decides to 'zap' himself into seeing Tommy the way he has convinced Tommy to see himself [???]....Than at some later point he could decide to use the device to make him see himself as he wish's he was !!!....I would love it, when he looks at Tommy, he too now sees the weak little nonathletic unhung nerd that Tommy now see's himself as when he looks in the mirror...Ethan would than have no compunction in becoming the Bully that he feels Tommy might have been !!!.........Of course, you as a creative Author can disregard everything I'v written here..[just staying at home with Covid 19 fatigue !!!]
11/1/20, 12:45 AM
@Steve Shay: I understand your point about being too long, but there is a case of being too short as well. You want to use the words to build the world and the interactions within that world. This is a moment where another 1,000-1,500 words wouldn't have hurt but rather help the story out a bit.
10/31/20, 10:54 PM
> Frankly, I left him out of the story for the same reason I got rid of Mr. Mac – it was just one more character that I would have to deal with that I didn’t need. That's fair. Keeping around characters who have served their purpose creates narrative clutter. I just thought that the mention that the Wizard was missing might be a subtle hint. I'll be curious to learn his final fate come Chapter 21.