Recent Comments

8/29/20, 8:14 AM
The main idea is super hot! I agree with Hypnothril's comment, though. But in saying that, doing proper world-building is very hard, I myself struggle with it as well. Trying to find a proper balance between "action" and "background stuff" is hard. What I would've done with this story was maybe dividing it into a few sections and/or chapters. The first part could focus on Aaron as a person and how he experiences the world from his home, for example you mention a newspaper in that part, I was very curious how that still came to him and what a news source would say in that context. That news source can also be used to bring some action into your story. For example the news could show one of the zombies. As Aaron leaves the house you can take some time to really describe the world around him through his eyes, maybe even let him witness some of the zombies if you want some action. In the second part you can start building a bit of a relationship between Aaron and Caleb, maybe let them walk around a bit first. After that you can let them have an encounter with the zombies like what happened in this story. A third part could zoom in on Caleb again and his pov. Those are just some tips that you could maybe use as well in a different story :) As for the grammar and language: consider using something like Grammarly, even the free version is very good at finding mistakes and weird things in your text. And, if you want to be sure, have a look at the proofreaders in our Discord ;) To end on a positive note, this story's setting is really up my alley and I am very excited to see what other stories you will produce in the future! I hope we will be fortunate enough to see your growth as an author on here :)
8/29/20, 5:52 AM
Fckin' hot! I am a cigar smokin' nipple man n was just waiting for the beercan Dad to stretch out the new boys hole. I've been waiting for a great story like this! Thank You! More Please!
8/29/20, 5:43 AM
Setup has me anxious. Though curious why took time with and how see Jake had pettiness to work out and other stuff.
8/29/20, 5:40 AM
The mid switch feels it took TOTAL advantage of the magical setup as to just having them hook up.
Anonymous
8/29/20, 1:19 AM
Way too rushed. Very bad grammar. Tenses all over the place. Sorry I had to give up reading it.
8/29/20, 1:08 AM
A rather interesting premise for a story, plus you opened it up for community writing. I think I might take your world and write some stories for this (whenever time alots). Please keep working and writing this story; I'm interested in seeing where you take it.
cnycheckin
8/29/20, 12:30 AM
damn, my nipples have never done anything for me but reading the story gave me a great boner. always wondered what it would be like to be wired like that!
8/29/20, 12:30 AM
I like all the directions this can go in. The mansion's basement sounds fun. I hope it has a big shower.
8/29/20, 12:25 AM
that was a good story, but I don't like messing with people messing with moral compasses