Danke dir, MasterOfHypnosis, für deinen Kommentar. Diese Geschichte entstand mit einigem Abstand zum „Feldherrn“, aber klar: Ich habe einen gewissen Stil, bestimmte Interessen, etc. – da können schon Ähnlichkeiten auftauchen. Für 2020 ist eine neue Geschichte geplant und bereits geschrieben, ich will sie aber noch etwas überarbeiten. Diesmal ohne Hund und mit ein bisschen Magie und Öffentlichkeit.

I missed this story first time round. Where can I find one of these bikes please?

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback, Darmani. I was trying to do something different from my usual erotic horror here, and that's probably why you found it less satisfying. I was going for comedy here, and that's why the pacing is a little different, because the joke is that she barely gets to know these guys before they suddenly (and from her perspective, inexplicably) turn gay. And then there's a little riff on Sex in the City, where the main character is named Carrie (and in early seasons, the main characters would have a different "problem" boyfriend every week). When Aiden the furniture designer comes in, that's also a Sex in the City reference. So you're right, this could absolutely be told as a slow-paced, suspenseful erotic horror story, but I feel like I've written variations on that story so many times already, I wanted to play around with something different here.

**5/6/19 2:12 PM pretty Much got it. the voice is too passive and disconnected from events. Even from an outsider looking in there's something enjoyable about the noticing what's happening. But over the course of one sit down her boyfriend's completely change we get reputations of descriptions of the same scene. We don't even get much a feel for the zonked mostly aside from the first boyfriend who was done good by the way we get a sense of who they are and some of their character. But aside from Broad and crude the next guys just show up maybe get a physical description and then disappear . this is a really hot idea and interesting setup being made a cat's paw for a super meme of Recruitment and watching it sort of developed. But you even move her out of the apartment when the stuff starting to creep up around her. the writing here undercuts all your other talents and aims. I think I admit I'm totally guessing here it might have been fear or unfamiliarity with the female perspective or character. So you have her very disconnected from things . it might help for instance if it takes more than just one sitting to completely ensnare her boyfriend of multiple months /years?. no that sounds too mean on one level I like the sense that she was being immediately discarded. threw us off with her. but aside from him missing no sense of time loss. And of course the fact that we get the sense that this is happening over and over and she's being made unaware this is one that needs to take some time I don't even necessarily mean make it longer. But for instance if you could make each recruitment short vignettes that build Climax and then end then we skipped to another either with the same characters or tangentially related but we see new steps in the matter. And we need to be in the moment who are these neighbors? If they were living together for so long how are they responding to the sudden acrimony? Maybe show her going about her day? I don't really have one exact answer. This is I suppose the problem with giving feedback I know why I'm upset by don't have a solution on how to fix it. And the problem is it's not one thing and it's kind of mean to go you needed to do something else for instance what if she started to develop the weird fetish or just resolution that she's going to pick up the dude's but she didn't necessarily hook up with Becca? Or if she did it had a different feel to it. Like she felt like it was something she needed to adopt and she liked performing in order to ensnare guys she almost got started but then they would get taken from her. we get to watch the programming adjust her over time so that she'll of smearing the dudes and that's what it's about being the honey pot. maybe as a reward she's given a chance to see what happens to the guys who she recruits afterwards and she sort of let in on it on some level. In the sense that her boyfriend sent her videos of them getting it on and for some reason she finds that endearing. So she has that recording on her side. so when her new boyfriend is in the midst of his recruitment phase she shows it and at first he's freaked out then he says that's what he wants. it also doesn't help that there's this massive disconnect in terms of the transformation of the immediate subject versus our perspective character with the no appreciation of the process just the end result. This is so far been something about subliminals causing a blank out and making them reprogram. it doesn't alter their personality so much is annihilate it. And then when we see them again apparently there's these physical changes but we only kind of get to appreciate them they're just sort of glossed over Shirley with her being program to look for things that are nice and Men on the basis of the taste of the programming she's going to find herself subconsciously adopting a male gaze? okay try to add a compliment to this sandwich ultimately I'm really complaining because I think you've got a really really good idea here. And interesting set up an interesting perspective. An interesting set of characters and events. It's just really the how its told and conveyed that I feel kills the enjoyment either as a thriller a mystery or just a little piece of eroticism. After all we don't even get to see the lady start to get turned on by the new do just sort of surprised. . towards the end people are just given a name and maybe one or two descriptions. some of the guys in the middle though are giving just the right amount of character obviously you got the macaroni rascal who's a total jackass so I admit personally I found him a little out of place since we've long since moved out of a victim territory. You know how it works in horror movies? The first guy is a total a then you slowly build up sympathy So eventually you make your way to final girl. going in reverse here made things a bit off though you also felt the guy with plenty of character and descriptions. while also giving us inside to how the programming was affecting her making her desperate and more of a hunter rather than someone enacting her own desires. hear you typing something that's really cool about a lot of stories that you use the double consciousness. finally yeah I guess I over identified with the perspective character a little much. That's proven I'm full of b* if I'm saying you didn't characterize her or not. But when she suddenly gets pushed out of her apartment after being very directly and bluntly dropped I really lost all respect for whoever was running this Mickey Mouse operation. They didn't think to plan it had enough so that they didn't burn a bridge and then they were going to have someone forced them way back in and such a ham-handed manner that controlled and destroy their lives. I mean effectively we watched someone get evicted by their ex boyfriend. Kind of a boner killer for me. it's all a refinement of this story then at least this approach method and set up I feel as something that can be done. Whether it's the guys disappearing from their relationships and lives in order to emerge later as bulked up camo short wearing clones of each other. Or the slow realization that hey everybody seems to be coming out but they're getting really different. have you ever read the story with the sexy Santa hats? that definitely worked whenever you're playing things with obliviousness it's always a bit of a balance. and the sense of making her a carrier especially someone who's being caring mental things as opposed to an actual disease is also pretty nice. I'm glad you wrote it I'm glad you're taking feedback and I hope to see you tackle it again

Ah, you're assuming Josh went willingly. Cause if the unnamed villain could make Derek do and remember things, what's to say he couldn't do the same to Josh? But your suggestion's a good idea. I'll keep that in my back pocket.

I'm fucking fascinated.

Oh, it's obvious why Josh is less enthralled: he's the one who left Derek for another guy. (As I said above, the story is really an interior story about Derek. But if you did want to write a sequel...or if I wrote a sequel, I'd have Derek meet up Ray, then call over Josh, and Ray could touch Josh's forehead...and Josh would be made impotent and unattractive until he learned his lesson - at least 3-5 years in that state.)

Thank you for the comments. This was intended to be a standalone story for Derek with the overall elements to appear elsewhere, but who knows - I might change my mind and write more about Derek and/or Josh. As for Josh being enthralled to Derek than the other way around, that's an interesting view. Not sure how you got that when we don't know what happened to Josh, but that's ok. I like to leave certain elements of the story open to interpretation. I just hope this was a change to types of stories that got listed here. :)

Interesting turn of events. Personally I'm on the fence on which side I want to support; I need to see what Caeser will do with his servants to decide which side I support.

oh no im also a Christian but this got me really hot