Recent Comments

3/27/20, 12:21 AM
Amazing idea and execution; to go from seer and author to part of the story. Really makes me want to enter a few stories on this site. Well done; so now that you're in your world what are you going to do for your Pharaoh?
nycboot
3/27/20, 12:00 AM
I love self-referential stories. :)
nycboot
3/26/20, 11:47 PM
I've re-read this chapter again. In the prologue the guy intones a prayer. But in this chapter, it's as if the pacing of the words is a prayer. Especially after Adom has shocked Raveed into submission. Beautiful!
Anonymous
3/26/20, 10:54 PM
hot af
Anonymous
3/26/20, 10:47 PM
It could be much better if the protagonist or others held conversations or we knew more about the them like their physical appearance... it is still part 2 and hope to see more soon. Thanks!!
Anonymous
3/26/20, 10:39 PM
thank you!! setting itself was so good and i really enjoyed it. as said above, it sadly went too fast. it was a nice setup, quite solid and it could be developed into a great story arc. i'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.
3/26/20, 9:34 PM
Hot story. I wouldn't mind seeing a similar story written from the POV of the man with the massive pecs.
3/26/20, 9:06 PM
The Master (aka Hypnothrill) pretty much said it all; it has a good premise, but it moved way too fast. You could take the start and make a story out of an athlete going to the center, then being frozen and replaced by his replicant. Then said athlete could return to training and carry out the takeover of the team. A slower pacing would allow you to build interest while showing rather than telling. Equally how the replacement works for the athletes and for normal people should be different so you could show that. There's a lot you can do with your story, but you gotta "take your time and do it right" as the old song says.
3/26/20, 6:42 PM
welcome back
3/26/20, 6:42 PM
I love the premise of this story, but to me, it just feels too fast-paced. We shift so quickly between different settings and perspectives that it's hard for me to get my bearings. And the big info dump at the beginning means that there's not much sense of mystery and suspense. But I'd still love to see another chapter, because I think that if you use some slightly different storytelling techniques, this could be an amazingly hot story.