Recent Comments

11/9/18, 3:45 AM
The people making those jockstraps are doing a great service to the world. Some general advice with your writing, so when a new person speaks, start a new line. It may look like it breaks up the story, and you wind up with some very short lines if the person only says a few words, but it really helps with readability. The other thing is the length of sentences. This story starts off with a bunch of really short sentences, one after the other. They make their points clearly, but it doesn't flow very well, and it actually makes the paragraph as a whole a bit difficult to read. Try mixing the length up. Have some shorter sentences and then follow them up with longer ones. It'll help, I promise. Thanks for writing, keep it up!
11/9/18, 3:35 AM
So, I think there's some nice ideas in play here, but to echo the previous comments, it all happens too fast. The fun with these types of stories, at least for me, is the cumulative nature of them. Each character winds up with effectively an archetype, and each round brings them closer to that, or throws in a wildcard that plays against type. For each character here, you seem to have skipped forward to how you want them to wind up, when I think it would be better for it to start off slower. I guess, if I were aiming to get the characters where they are now, I'd have them start really subtle, then ramp it up. For example, for Tyler, round 1 would be footballer, but no costume change, just a bit more muscle under his clothes. Maybe in round 2 he gets the buttplug, but can't see it and doesn't recognise the feeling. Round 3 everyone winds up in uniform (based on their archetype) and round 4 his uniform transforms in to the sexy parody version, though the speed depends on the total number of rounds. Hope this helps, keep at it!
Malik
11/9/18, 2:59 AM
love it, more please.
Anonymous
11/9/18, 2:30 AM
I can't wait to see the party or how dumb FagChimp becomes.
11/9/18, 12:51 AM
[Spoiler Alert] I totally missed the "It's a Small World" reference the first time I read it. Awesome!
11/9/18, 12:20 AM
Thanks for all the comments ! I am writing Kurt's point of view as we speak :D
Rubber
11/9/18, 12:05 AM
^^^^ love the comment above ^^^^ mine is directional - Barstow, CA to Primm, NV is NNE which mean when traveling that direction it should be' "he drove up interstate 15." (up=north, down=south, back=east, and out-west).. I ENJOY ALL your stories!
rubber
11/8/18, 11:52 PM
10 rounds or 5 rounds of bliss. Players 3 & 4 are already fucking in the 1st round. You already hit the mother load. You need to tease the readers into wanting to read the new chapter as you clearly have set up an expectation of 3 or 7 more rounds.
11/8/18, 11:49 PM
Please tell me there will be more parts!
Anonymous
11/8/18, 11:13 PM
Good story. But for something called The Jockstrap Transformation, I feel like it could have been slower and more focused on the transformation. It seemed quite rushed.