Recent Comments

Anonymous
11/9/18, 2:20 PM
next chapter please !!
Anonymous
11/9/18, 2:15 PM
watches video and puts on slipy...
Anonymous
11/9/18, 12:23 PM
You know it's gonna be a good day when Cris Kane posts another
ForgottenCradle
11/9/18, 11:04 AM
THIS has easily become my favorite story here! I can smell a slave cop coming. And I read something about taking over the town? That would be a nice birthday party:the entire town cumming. I kinda hope that it will lead up to even the mayor,but I'm more than happy to see how the story will play out,anyway
Martin
11/9/18, 11:00 AM
A tip from the administration: You're using various names for "Author" when submitting stories (sometimes written with underscores, sometimes without...). That makes it very hard for the reader to find other stories you wrote. I've corrected the name for this story. I recommend that you set the name you want to appear under in your "Profile" (User->Edit Profile) in "our Public Name for Comments and Stories". That way you don't have to fill in that each time you submit a story. You should also edit your older stories to use the same name, please. Or ask me to do it for you, but then let me know which variation you'd like.
Anonymous
11/9/18, 9:01 AM
mucho calor!!!
Anonymous
11/9/18, 7:58 AM
The "family" setting was awesome and so hot to see Jake finally learn his place ; )
Slavethruhypno@yahoo.com
11/9/18, 5:49 AM
Good to see a sissy appear. it's so good to be a feminized whore!
11/9/18, 3:45 AM
The people making those jockstraps are doing a great service to the world. Some general advice with your writing, so when a new person speaks, start a new line. It may look like it breaks up the story, and you wind up with some very short lines if the person only says a few words, but it really helps with readability. The other thing is the length of sentences. This story starts off with a bunch of really short sentences, one after the other. They make their points clearly, but it doesn't flow very well, and it actually makes the paragraph as a whole a bit difficult to read. Try mixing the length up. Have some shorter sentences and then follow them up with longer ones. It'll help, I promise. Thanks for writing, keep it up!
11/9/18, 3:35 AM
So, I think there's some nice ideas in play here, but to echo the previous comments, it all happens too fast. The fun with these types of stories, at least for me, is the cumulative nature of them. Each character winds up with effectively an archetype, and each round brings them closer to that, or throws in a wildcard that plays against type. For each character here, you seem to have skipped forward to how you want them to wind up, when I think it would be better for it to start off slower. I guess, if I were aiming to get the characters where they are now, I'd have them start really subtle, then ramp it up. For example, for Tyler, round 1 would be footballer, but no costume change, just a bit more muscle under his clothes. Maybe in round 2 he gets the buttplug, but can't see it and doesn't recognise the feeling. Round 3 everyone winds up in uniform (based on their archetype) and round 4 his uniform transforms in to the sexy parody version, though the speed depends on the total number of rounds. Hope this helps, keep at it!