Recent Comments

Golf
4/25/17, 11:18 AM
I think it's very funny. if you feel disgusted, don't read it. that's all. it's like a movie. you don't like it, move on with your life. let others read it. oh i forgot some people love to read love story. hahahah
AeonFlux
4/25/17, 10:37 AM
Keep on writing...........and I need some of the same dosis......;-)
Anonymous
4/25/17, 10:24 AM
Please continue with maybe some of his friends
Oct 3, 2016
Anonymous
4/25/17, 8:40 AM
please process me it was so sexy to read that story
Anonymous
4/25/17, 7:28 AM
Too many characters to remember, though your writing is great. Alex needs to be punished in the end.
Anonymous
4/25/17, 5:06 AM
I love Edlam's work -- but agree with some of the earlier comments that at least for this reader it would be easier to not have too many plotlines to keep track of. It reminds me of some of the nifty stories where there are 35 separate chapters. My own preference is for no more than 4-5 chapters that bring the story to closure. It's almost like you have enough material but it would be more manageable to follow if you did on story about alex and jake, another story about alex and the cops, but don't keep them all running together. Last comment, for me it's all about the original abuser getting caught up in his own empire and losing control to others that he originally enslaved -- e.g., pecking order by webb025. All this is meant as constructive feedback -- the main feedback is AWESOME JOB!!!!
Oct 3, 2016
BostonSatyr
4/25/17, 4:16 AM
this is an excellent story. would love to see this idea expanded upon. say in a police station, o firehouse, or in an armed forces environment
4/25/17, 3:20 AM
You're really a talented writer. That said, I feel the last two chapters have made the story so diffuse that the constant sex is a bore and the number of characters so numerous characters that interest in any of them is lost. Sex is never interesting unless there is character behind it. You started out with Jake, then you lost interest in him entirely and switched your focus to Alex. But whereas you built up sympathy for Jake (the outset the story was told from his point of view), the reader never develops sympathy for Alex because he's drawn as a one-dimensional character. That is until this chapter in which we find he's capable of love and then is capable of developing fear. You've made it clear that Alex has a one-track mind, and after emphasizing that for many chapters, you now expect us to believe he's capable of love. That's kind of unbelievable. It reminds me of the Bunuel film "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeosie" which, intentionally surrealistic, just discursively goes from one episode to the next, each having little to do with each other other than carrying over a character or two. Each writer is different, but I strongly feel the best effect is made when the entire story is formulated ahead of time, from start-to-finish in advance, and then posted chapter by chapter. Once you get through all this, may I suggest you look at your story as a whole, and make it tighter by making into at least two stories: Make the portions with Jake, JJ and John a separate story with an end. Then have another story about the police station. Anyone can write about sex. But not many people can describe a character and make him so believable that the readers can't help but identify with and have sympathy for him. That's where your talent lies. Go with it.
Apr 11, 2017
FreshJodi
4/25/17, 3:06 AM
I absolutely love this story. I think of it often while I am at work or where ever. I cant wait to read more by you, Baralai. You are a terrific writer. I so want to be Tommy. Love it!!!
RobinHood70
4/25/17, 2:03 AM
I'm really happy to hear that you found Peter's relationship with Cameron endearing. I've tried to portray that he does indeed care about his boys, even if in a rather perverted way...he tries to give them what they want/need in exchange for them giving him what he wants and needs. It's not a consensual exchange, but it's an exchange. :)