Recent Comments

4/25/17, 3:20 AM
You're really a talented writer. That said, I feel the last two chapters have made the story so diffuse that the constant sex is a bore and the number of characters so numerous characters that interest in any of them is lost. Sex is never interesting unless there is character behind it. You started out with Jake, then you lost interest in him entirely and switched your focus to Alex. But whereas you built up sympathy for Jake (the outset the story was told from his point of view), the reader never develops sympathy for Alex because he's drawn as a one-dimensional character. That is until this chapter in which we find he's capable of love and then is capable of developing fear. You've made it clear that Alex has a one-track mind, and after emphasizing that for many chapters, you now expect us to believe he's capable of love. That's kind of unbelievable. It reminds me of the Bunuel film "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeosie" which, intentionally surrealistic, just discursively goes from one episode to the next, each having little to do with each other other than carrying over a character or two. Each writer is different, but I strongly feel the best effect is made when the entire story is formulated ahead of time, from start-to-finish in advance, and then posted chapter by chapter. Once you get through all this, may I suggest you look at your story as a whole, and make it tighter by making into at least two stories: Make the portions with Jake, JJ and John a separate story with an end. Then have another story about the police station. Anyone can write about sex. But not many people can describe a character and make him so believable that the readers can't help but identify with and have sympathy for him. That's where your talent lies. Go with it.
Apr 11, 2017
FreshJodi
4/25/17, 3:06 AM
I absolutely love this story. I think of it often while I am at work or where ever. I cant wait to read more by you, Baralai. You are a terrific writer. I so want to be Tommy. Love it!!!
RobinHood70
4/25/17, 2:03 AM
I'm really happy to hear that you found Peter's relationship with Cameron endearing. I've tried to portray that he does indeed care about his boys, even if in a rather perverted way...he tries to give them what they want/need in exchange for them giving him what he wants and needs. It's not a consensual exchange, but it's an exchange. :)
Anonymous
4/25/17, 1:47 AM
Great job, Edlam! I was so excited to see this next chapter, and it didn't disappoint. Love the crossover, too. Thanks for writing. I eagerly await your next installment.
Anonymous
4/25/17, 1:42 AM
Also agree that the switching is a little too dazzling ... I somehow became distracted when reading the Alex part ... and the professor and the ginger family brought me back. But too short! The crossover indeed shocks and excites me in a "meaningful" fashion, though. Go! Go! Go! Your story is still my indulgence as always.
A SAN FRANCISCO FAN !!!
4/25/17, 1:07 AM
Edlam, your a wonderful 'erotic' writer & I'v been a fan since the first chapter [ a year & a half ago], so I'm oh so sorry to tell you that, for the first time this story didn't even give me a hard-on !...It would have been more effective as three or four distinct chapters [with more detail in each], rather than this back & forth between sites & subjects...Just when one location & its characters is starting to get interesting, Zap we're off to another situation...Weither one likes 'scat' & blood, the police stuff has become sloppy & unfocused...I personally also feel the 'love' between Alex & Bill is uncalled for and weakens the basic concepts upon which the Alex character was built [+ Bill is uninteresting]. Again, I'm sorry to be so critical, knowing how hard it is to create something and I'll still look forward to further chapters.....
4/24/17, 9:07 PM
Clearly in my excitement to get this out, I glanced over Robs and Ryans and replaced them in my writing!! Will fix as they are noticed! Thank you!!!
Dadlover
4/24/17, 8:43 PM
Love the part with the ginger family. OMG you're the best
lloyd311@aol.com
4/24/17, 8:39 PM
Thanks for the feedback, Cliff. Let me take them one at a time: 1. I think what you are saying is that you wish there had been more description of the physical appearance of Tommy and Pete, and I think that is a fair criticism. I based these characters somewhat on real people, and have their appearances etched on my brain I think, so I probably didn't give as much detail as I should (Pete's not based on a real person, but it's stated he resembles another character, whom I did have a real person in mind for). I think there is more description of Tommy and Dave in the body of the story, but based on your comment I am now thinking maybe I could have given more... 2. This is definitely a 3rd person narrative, and it is almost exclusively from the point of view of Tommy. I can think of only one scene that is an exception, but I could be wrong there. And I agree that getting into the other characters heads would definitely give more insight into what are their motivations and what makes them tick. I just didn't write it that way. One reason perhaps - and this is a SPOILER ALERT - is that for most of the story I wanted the reader to not be sure about if this is all really happening, or if it is just a figment of Tom's imagination. Just some fantasy he invented. Or, I may just be using that as a rationalization after the fact. And there is definitely more humiliation - physical and otherwise - in the whole story. But it's almost all from Tommy's POV... 3. I'm really not sure what you are talking about here - I'll have to defer to the administrators as to how to answer this one. In any case, thanks so much for offering your comments. They are very much appreciated! Thanks, LLOYD
Anonymous
4/24/17, 8:37 PM
should be Ryan* sorry